What's an 'Unprogrammed' Quaker Wedding?

 
A 'Friend' friend of mine is getting married in this tradition. What should I expect?

A "Friend" friend of mine is getting married in the Quaker "unprogrammed" tradition. What should I expect? I’m told everyone signs a certain document. Why? What should I wear? Will there be food? Should I bring a gift? Also, I heard my friend and her fiancé went through a "Meeting for Business" to get this wedding OK'd. What was that? I'd ask my friend, but there just hasn’t been a good time for a talk.
There are two types of Quaker traditions: “programmed” and “unprogrammed.” During unprogrammed worship, Friends sit in silence and, if moved by divine guidance and inspiration, speak to those assembled. This is called “vocal ministry,” and everyone present--Quaker and non-Quaker--is welcome to participate. Programmed services are planned in advance and may include hymn singing, vocal prayers, Bible reading, silent worship, and a sermon. Worship at a programmed service is usually led by a pastor; at an unprogrammed service, an “elder” usually sits on a bench at the front of the congregation and signals by shaking hands with those near them that the service has ended.
Other than the bride and groom exchanging vows and signing a marriage certificate, an unprogrammed Quaker wedding ceremony is very much like an unprogrammed Quaker worship. There will be much silence, and a few people may speak. Do not feel compelled to speak. The bride and groom will probably be seated at the front of the meetinghouse, and sometime during the service members of the meeting house or friends or relatives of the newlyweds will bring the wedding certificate for them to sign. Guests also sign the certificate. This is usually done after the ceremony.
As for what to wear, since you don't say if you're male or female, let's cover all bases: Men can wear a jacket and tie--or something more informal; women can wear a dress or a skirt and blouse---or something more informal. Quaker worship and ceremonies are usually fairly relaxed, so do not dress to the nines. On the other hand, remember that the wedding is a special, festive event, so don't wear your most casual clothes.


Yes, some kind of food will be served at a reception afterward. This might be a complete meal or finger food or a potluck meal at the meeting house or someone's house. (Check your invitation for details.) Often, in keeping with the Quaker teetotaler tradition that extended from the 19th century through the mid-20th century, no alcoholic beverages will be served.
Gifts are always appreciated. Use your discretion. Many Quaker newlyweds request that contributions be given to a charity.
Finally, the actual ceremony is the culmination of a process within the particular meeting house your friend belongs to. When told that the couple planned to marry, the meeting appointed a “Clearness Committee” to meet with the couple. The committee determined whether the couple understood the commitments necessary for a good marriage and if they had fully discussed having children and appreciated the financial obligations of marriage. The committee then presented its recommendation about the couple to the meeting's monthly business meeting, which voted on whether they should be married under “the care” of the meeting. This process reflects Friends’ sense of community and compassion, as well as how their meetings function in lieu of a pastor.

Read more »

Quaker wedding

 
Quaker weddings are the traditional ceremony of marriage within the Religious Society of Friends.
Quaker marriage in history

After the local meeting had approved the couple's intention, an announcement would be made and posted in the market on market day. After this the wedding could take place. Outsiders sometimes criticized Quaker couples for living in adultery because they married each other without priests or ministers. George Fox, founder of the Society of Friends, and Margaret Fell married using a modification of this procedure in 1669.[citation needed]
Two years later, when Fox was in Barbados, he sent out another epistle. In this epistle, Fox advocated giving women's meetings the initial responsibility to pass on a couple's intentions when the couple had expressed a desire to be wed. This advice became quite controversial among those who did not want to see women's roles expanded.

Quaker marriage today
When a couple decide to get married they declare their intentions to marry to the meeting (either in writing or in person). The meeting then appoints a clearness committee to talk with the couple and make sure that they have properly prepared themselves for marriage. If the committee is clear that this couple is ready, they recommend that the monthly meeting should take this wedding “under their care” and appoint a committee to ensure the couple makes all the needed arrangements for the wedding ceremony. These duties vary but may include helping schedule the date, finding premarital counseling, making the Quaker marriage certificate, making sure the couple knows how to acquire and file any legal documents. Some couples choose to marry within the meeting without registering their marriage with the government, a tradition dating back to Quakerism's earliest days. Same-sex couples can also be married with or without government documents in some meetings (see Homosexuality and Quakerism). If a couple later needs to prove that they are married, the Quaker wedding certificate signed by witnesses at the ceremony is sufficient in many states of the United States.

The marriage procedure

A traditional wedding ceremony in a Friends meeting is similar to any other Meeting for Worship, and therefore often very different from the experience expected by non-Friends. The attendees gather for silent worship, often with the couple sitting in front of the meeting (this may depend on the layout of the particular Friends meeting house).
Out of the silence, the couple will exchange what the Philadelphia Yearly Meeting describes as "promises" [1], and Britain Yearly Meeting describes as "declarations" with each other. The promises are short, simple, and egalitarian, and can vary between different regions and meetings. Traditionally, Quakers do not swear or make oaths, because they intend to tell the truth at all times, not only when swearing.
Since traditionally Friends have no clergy, there is no one person to “marry” them. Instead they believe that they are married by God, and declare their intentions before God and those gathered. They believe that the marriage is merely "witnessed" by those present. George Fox, a man important in the establishment of the Religious Society of Friends wrote in 1669:
"For the right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests' or the magistrates'; for it is God's ordinance and not man's; and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none; it is the Lord's work, and we are but witnesses"
The administrative tasks associated with the marriage are completed by a Registering Officer, who is a person specially appointed by the Monthly Meeting in which the couple are to be married. However, this person is purely responsible for the administration of matters such as the certificate, and does not "marry" the couple.
Usually, there are no bridesmaids or other special roles in the wedding other than that of bride and groom.
The couple then signs the Quaker wedding certificate. All those present are invited to give ministry with the gathered meeting as they feel led (as in any other Meeting for Worship, see main article on the Society of Friends). At the close of worship all those present at the meeting are asked to sign the wedding certificate as witnesses. Often the certificate is hung prominently in the home of the couple as a reminder of the declarations they made, and of the people with whom they shared that moment of their lives.

United Kingdom
Declarations

The declarations made by the couple in meetings for worship for the solemnisation of marriage in Britain Yearly Meeting are as follows (words in italics are optional):
"In the presence of God (OR In the fear of the Lord and in the presence of this assembly), Friends, I take this my friend NAME to be my husband/wife, promising, through divine assistance (OR with God's help), to be unto him/her a loving and faithful wife/husband, so long as we both on earth shall live (OR until it shall please the Lord by death to separate us)"
The declarations may also be made in the Welsh language.

Law
Quaker marriage has been subject of special law in England and Wales from the 18th century to the present day. The first Marriage Act 1753, which regulated the legal and civic recognition of marriage, recognised only marriages conducted by the "Society of Friends", Jews and the Church of England, and removed recognition of common law marriage or marriage conducted by any other religious group. Thus, Quakers' marriages were legally recognised at a time when marriages within other non-conformist traditions were not legally recognised.
This special exemption for Quakers has continued in subsequent Marriage Acts in England and Wales up to and including the Marriage Act 1949 which allows "marriage in according to the usages of the Society of Friends, commonly called Quakers". Quakers and Jews were exempt from the restrictions within the Marriage Act 1949 from the requirements to marry in certain approved locations or at certain times, so were the only groups who were (theoretically) allowed to, for example, marry outside or in the middle of the night (although in practice Quaker marriages take place in a place where there is a regular Meeting for Worship held, so would not usually take place outside).
The law with regard to Quaker weddings in England and Wales is based around Section 47 of the Marriage Act 1949 Marriages according to usages of the Society of Friends [2]
Quaker marriages in England and Wales have two marriage certificates:
Quaker marriage certificate - this is a large document which sets out the couple's names, the procedure they have followed and the declarations made. This is signed by the couple themselves, and by all who were present at the meeting for worship for solemnisation of their marriage. This is a requirement of Britain Yearly Meeting and is kept by the couple themselves, however is not normally recognised by any organisation outside of the Religious Society of Friends.
Quaker civil marriage certificate - this is the certificate recognised by the government, and also recognised by other institutions such as banks etc. It is completed by the Registering Officer of the Area Meeting in which the marriage is taking place, and signed by the couple and four witnesses. It is similar in format to the marriage certificate of the Church of England or a civil wedding, although of a specific design stating that the marriage took place "according to the usages of the Society of Friends".

Read more »

Wedding

 
A wedding is the ceremony in which two people are united in marriage or a similar institution. Wedding traditions and customs vary greatly between cultures, ethnic groups, religions, countries, and social classes. Most wedding ceremonies involve an exchange of wedding vows by the couple, presentation of a gift (offering, ring(s), symbolic item, flowers, money), and a public proclamation of marriage by an authority figure or leader. Special wedding garments are often worn, and the ceremony is sometimes followed by a wedding reception. Music, poetry, prayers or readings from Scripture or literature are also optionally incorporated into the ceremony.

A number of cultures have adopted the traditional Western custom of the white wedding, in which a bride wears a white wedding dress and veil. This tradition was popularized through the wedding of Queen Victoria. Some say Victoria's choice of a white gown may have simply been a sign of extravagance, but may have also been influenced by the values she held which emphasized sexual purity. Within the modern 'white wedding' tradition, a white dress and veil are unusual choices for a woman's second or subsequent wedding. The notion that a white gown might symbolize sexual purity has been long abandoned, and is criticized by etiquette writers like Judith Martin as distasteful.
The use of a wedding ring has long been part of religious weddings in Europe and America, but the origin of the tradition is unclear. Historians like Vicki Howard point out that belief in the "ancient" quality of the practice are most likely a modern invention. "Double ring" ceremonies are also a modern practice, a groom's wedding band not appearing in the United States until the early 20th century.
The wedding is often followed by a reception, in which the rituals may include toasting the newlyweds, their first dance as spouses, and the cutting of a wedding cake.

Religious aspects of weddings

Most religions recognize a life-long union with established ceremonies and rituals. Some religions permit polygamous marriages or same-sex marriages.
Many Christian faiths emphasize the raising of children as a priority in a marriage. In Judaism, marriage is so important that remaining unmarried is deemed unnatural.[citation needed] Islam also recommends marriage highly; among other things, it helps in the pursuit of spiritual perfection.[citation needed] The Bahá'í Faith sees marriage as a foundation of the structure of society, and considers it both a physical and spiritual bond that endures into the afterlife.[9] Hinduism sees marriage as a sacred duty that entails both religious and social obligations.[citation needed] By contrast, Buddhism does not encourage or discourage marriage, although it does teach how one might live a happily married life and emphasizes that marital vows are not to be taken lightly[citation needed] (see separate article for details).
Different religions have different beliefs as regards the breakup of marriage (see divorce). For example, the Roman Catholic Church believes that marriage is a sacrament and a valid marriage between two baptized persons cannot be broken by any other means than death. This means that civil divorcés cannot remarry in a Catholic marriage while their spouse is alive. In the area of nullity, religions and the state often apply different rules. A couple, for example, may begin the process to have their marriage annulled by the Catholic Church only after they are no longer married in the eyes of the civil authority.

Read more »